Looking for Another Perspective
by TakeshiKaneshiro
Summary: This story is based off the episode 2x06 Looking for Gordon Freeman. I put it through the eyes of Kevin Matheson, what was going through his mind after Patrick breaks it off with Kevin in 2x05.


**Looking For Another Perspective**

 _By geekypnai13_

Kevin walks into the seemingly abandoned MDG building, everyone else is enjoying their weekend of this Halloween holiday _. Quite frankly, a very weak holiday to have off considering what just happens here in America. Seriously, at least back home it was meaningful. Children dressing up and getting candy that'll rot their tiny little teeth and make their bodies explode… and for their parents to attempt to dress like sluts is beyond me…_

He takes his office key out of his pocket and proceeds to open the door. He swings it shut behind him and sits down in his chair. He leans back and closes his eyes briefly, thinking of what's happened the past few days. His mind begins with Jon _._

 _Someone who's been there for me, has sacrificed everything for me. He left his job to be here with me, to support me. He's a man that anyone would be jealous of. He's very handsome, very talented… and very dedicated. When can I say that I've stopped loving a man like him? I mean… compared to him, Patrick is just… he's so unorganized, so indecisive. I never know what's going to come out of Patrick's mouth, whether it's good or bad. I can't sense what actions he'll do or won't do… He's a complete fucking_ _ **mystery**_ _… but… he's exactly what I feel I need… He… Oh god… How is it, my mind always manages to crawl back to him when I want it to_ _ **least**_ _…? I should get started on this game… I have to try and get this damn thing perfected._

He sighs a long, exhausted sigh saturated with stress and woe. He bends down, turns the computer on and gets it running. He replays the game, over and over, unable to get the perfect score. He places his controller down, rubbing his eyes in attempt to rid of the fatigue that's washed over him these past few days. It's got Jon worried out of his mind, thinking it's about work and how he's working far too many hours at the office lately and that he should just come home when he's done… _If only that were the case…_

Kevin picks up the controller and picks off where he left off, unpausing the game and trying to get through the levels without a single thought of Patrick but it's so hard. Thoughts of Patrick keep invading his mind, conquering over anything he attempts to prioritize. This game, which he very much well knows needs to progress, is losing the battle over Patrick, much like everything else. He can't even assess the situation between Jon and himself without Patrick coming into mind. There's been countless loveless nights between Jon and Kevin because the only thing he can think about is Patrick and lying next to that train wreck of a man that sets his heart aflame and his loins a-tented.

A couple hours pass and Kevin is still hard at work at the game. He's staring at the screen intensely, still trying to multitask in not thinking of Patrick, the break off, and perfecting the game all at once. In his mind, it's racing a million miles a minute, should he stay with Jon? Should he stay in a perfectly safe relationship, where nothing can go wrong and every day will be a safe day to wake up with no risks except for what outside has to offer? Did he technically already let something from the outside world already attempt to wreck what they had? Does he have any right to say that as if it was the outsider's fault?

 _I mean… he was coming onto me from the fucking beginning… but that's no reason for me… I should have resisted my fucking emotions. I never should have let them shown… Everything would be perfect, I could still be friends with Patrick… I could… I could just… I could have just shut my damn mouth and just… kept my feelings in check. How could I possibly not fall for him? Despite all his shit… how could I not fall in love with him? When he's busy not beating himself up, he's the jolliest bloke I've ever met. He's friendly, emotional, uncertain, sexy, confusing, hot, cute, adorable, beautiful, and…._

The door swings open to reveal the very man his thoughts were being assaulted by.

… _unpredictable._

"Hey" Patrick walks in.

"OH! Jesus!" Kevin recoils in surprise, thoughts coming to a sudden halt. He takes his headphones off.

"Oh, Sorry…" Patrick apologizes.

"You scared the shit out of me…." Kevin states, observing his unexpected guest holding large bags filled with the candy everyone brought in plus other office supplies.

"Well it is Halloween. What are you playing?" Patrick carries on casually, as though nothing seemed to have happened just a few days before.

"Oh… uhh just something I've already beaten about 15 times…I just haven't gotten the perfect score yet," Kevin states, trying to still recover from his half beaten mind that this man unknowingly causes…

"Here I am thinking you're shaming me by working on the weekend," Patrick laughs, fairly awkwardly.

"Well, I sort of did some work. I coded some of that app we were talking about," Kevin states, a slight smile from the memory of them talking about it so passionately without a care in the world...

 _Perhaps I can see a little bit of the Patrick I saw a few days ago…_

"Seriously? The… gay battle game? I didn't know that you were still…"

"No… uh… I was just bored I guess…." Kevin interrupts, instantly regretting his mentioning of it. He diverts his eyes away from Patrick, unable to hold it any longer. His thoughts are going crazy again, "Inventing work for myself…" He says, seemingly in a self-pitying way.

"Anyway, what are you doing here…?" Kevin continues, "Haven't you got a party to prepare?"

Patrick happily lifts the bags obviously filled with office goodies, "That's what I'm doing!"

 _God… just like a happy puppy…_

"…By stealing from the office?" Kevin inquires further with a slight grin. _Definitely still the Patrick I love…._

"Just a few Twix," Patrick laughs that goofy laugh, "you got the evite, right?"

"I did" Kevin nods, not necessarily too keen on answering that.

"Cool. You don't have to come if you don't want to. I totally get it."

 _Of course I want to fucking come Patrick… There's nothing more that I want than to come to your fucking house and just…_

"Do you not want me to come?" Kevin asks, his thoughts provoking that question to come out.

"No! No. I just… I didn't want you to..." Patrick inhales sharply, "… think that I was having a party and purposefully not inviting you."

 _So, we're at the part where you're going to find it awkward if you purposefully shun me out because of what happened? Definitely the Patrick I know…_

Once again, thoughts fueled with slight annoyance, "I appreciate the gesture, Patrick, but seeing as it might be my **only** Halloween in San Francisco," _Oh God, Kevin… shut up. What am I saying?_ "I feel like Jon and I may opt to see the sights."

"What does that mean?" Patrick asks, his tone crisp with concern.

 _God… damn it_

"We talked about going back to Seattle", Kevin informs him, not even sure why he did. He certainly wasn't even sure about his decision, seeing he's got a million other things running through his mind a second.

"What?" surprise is evident, face contorted disapprovingly.

 _Fuck it, I might as well continue. He's giving me a face like it's a big fucking surprise._

"Mm. Be good for us I think. Jon misses his family and I feel like I made him leave a job he really liked."

"I guess I get that, but…"

"But what?"

 _What could you possibly say that could make me stay, Patrick Murray? What 'but' is there?_

Patrick exhales a troubled sigh, "You basically just got here, right?"

Kevin nods… definitely not the thing he would've wanted to hear.

 _That's what you had to say? That's it...? Honestly. Why can't you just tell me that you just want me to fucking stay? That's it…_

"It'd be better for us…" Kevin licks his lips, darting his eyes away unable to hold a proper gaze till the end, "…. For **me**."

Patrick stands there awkwardly. He knew exactly what Kevin meant…

"Well… this city is really fun on Halloween, but it can also be kind of nuts, so…be safe."

"I will."

"Happy Halloween" Patrick turns and walks out of the office, almost too desperate to leave.

"Yeah. Yeah. You too…" Kevin says, watching the devil incarnate's back retreat.

 _Okay, perhaps not Devil's incarnate… but that sure as hell was fucking painful. God… I can't believe I said that… I can't believe I just… I… Well… It had to be done… If I don't… put a line myself… I won't be able to properly move on… yeah… mhm…_

Kevin begins nodding to himself, attempting to agree with the argument in his brain. He places the headphones back on his ears and restarts the game again. He clicks on the buttons, angrily, thinking of their conversation. He watches the screen with such intensity, but his mind is wandering once more, causing him to die within game. This didn't settle nicely on Kevin's already twisted nerve, so he responds by throwing the controller down and throwing his hands up to his face, rubbing in defeat.

 _I can't do this shit… I'm so done… I need to get out of this glass fucking box and just… take Jon out so I can get drunk already…_

Kevin looks at the clock, noticing the time.

 _3:30… Good enough for me…_

Kevin exits out of the program, grabs his keys, and leave his office, locking the door behind him. He walks out of the building, looking around him, how busy the streets are, some shops decorative with Halloween décor. Some people are already dressed in interesting attire, hitting up the bars rather early. Kevin inhales and exhales shakingly then starts his way back to his place he wishes he could call home.


End file.
